Ep. 15: Should You Bring It Up? How to Know When a Conversation Is Worth Having
When something isn't going well in your marriage, one of the hardest things to figure out is whether to say something — or let it go. Bring it up too quickly and you risk coming across as critical or controlling. Stay silent too long and resentment quietly builds. So how do you know what's actually worth addressing?
In this episode, I'm giving you a framework for exactly that.
In This Episode:
We talk about why it can be so hard to raise issues with your partner in the first place — whether that's fear of conflict, not wanting to seem nit-picky, or just feeling too exhausted to bother. We also talk about the flip side: what happens when one person is always in the role of relationship police, and why that dynamic backfires over time.
Then I walk you through a working definition I keep coming back to: a thing is worth bringing up when it either causes a one-time significant injury to the relationship, or is a recurring pattern that erodes trust or closeness over time if not addressed. Resentment is the signal to watch for. If staying silent means you'll quietly start to trust your spouse less, or feel less cared for — that's your cue.
I also share results from a recent social media survey on the biggest stressors couples are facing right now — and walk through how each one can quietly chip away at your sense of being loved and safe in your marriage.
And I close with a powerful journaling prompt from Dr. Sue Johnson's Hold Me Tight that can help you get clear on exactly where the important conversations need to happen in your own relationship.
Key Takeaways:
The three most common reasons we avoid hard conversations — and why each one costs us something
A clear, simple test for whether something is worth bringing up (hint: it's about resentment)
Why the goal of any hard conversation isn't winning — it's the health of the marriage
The two things we need most to feel OK in any relationship: to feel loved and to feel safe
A journaling prompt to help you identify exactly where trust or closeness has started to erode
Why being the constant corrector in your relationship will always backfire
The journaling prompt I mention in this episode:
I feel safely connected to you when…
I struggle to feel safely connected to you when…
Sit with those before your next hard conversation. They'll help you get honest about what you actually need to say.
Resources & Links Mentioned:
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson
Say the Thing: Real Tools for the Conversations You've Never Known How to Have — my live mini course. Find out more at vibrantmarriage.co/courses
Connect with Rachel:
Website: vibrantmarriage.co
Instagram: @vibrantmarriagepodcast
Listen & Subscribe:
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