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In this episode
There's something fascinating about how people become who they are. Some of it is genetics, some of it is what happens to us, and some of it is our own choices. But certain patterns form early, and unless we do some intentional work, they tend to stay our default settings for how we relate to people, and especially to our spouse.
In this episode, I walk through how those early patterns show up in marriage, for good or for ill.
Before we dive in: a word for anxious parents
If hearing this made you panic about messing up your kids, take a deep breath. You are not their only shaping force, and that's a good thing. You don't have to be perfect, you just have to be present. Repair carries more weight than the offense, and love covers a multitude of sins.
What we cover
Why your first lessons about love and safety were learned long before you met your spouse
Why your spouse becomes your primary attachment figure, and why their words can sting more than anyone else's
The "Still Face Experiment" and what it shows about our need for loving, attuned connection
The basics of secure, avoidant, and anxious-avoidant (disorganized) attachment
Three common patterns I see in my counseling practice:
An emotionally overbearing parent, and why grown kids either recoil from their spouse's needs or stay enmeshed with their parent
A controlling, scary, or abusive parent, and how fight, flight, freeze, and fawn responses show up in marriage
A parent who would not step up, and why the "overly responsible" kid grows into a lonely, over-functioning spouse
Why healing your own wounds is your job, not your spouse's, and how that frees your marriage to grow
Resources mentioned
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--and Keep--Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
The Still Face Experiment (search YouTube; it's worth the watch)
Find an EMDR-certified therapist at emdria.org
Episode 4: "You Can't Work It Out While You're Still Worked Up: 4 Steps To Regaining Calm When Things Are Tense"
A few words to hold onto
Your hurts are real, and you're not making them up. But those patterns don't have to follow you for the rest of your life or your marriage.
I'm rooting for you, friend.
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