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Changing How You Think About Your Marriage
Early in our marriage, I was stuck in a mental loop. I had a picture of how our marriage should look, how my husband should be, where we should see eye to eye, and I kept replaying a story about how he wasn't doing it right and we weren't doing it right. We had worked hard to pick a good person and be compatible, so if it was this hard, I figured it must be his fault.
That story set us both up for a miserable first few years. Things only began to shift when I realized I needed to change the way I thought about him, about myself, and about what we were building.
In this episode, I'm giving away the punchline early: things in your marriage start to shift when you decide, "This is the person I'm committed to. This is the person I did commit to. And I'm growing into someone who is good at keeping my vows, not just white-knuckling through them, but actually living into them." That starts with refusing to keep undermining my spouse, or our marriage, in my own mind.
I also talk honestly about the objection I hear a lot: but doesn't letting go of scrutiny just enable bad behavior? I explain why I think most of us are far more at risk of scrutinizing our spouse too closely than overlooking something, and why that's different from the person whose history of trauma has taught them to put up with too much. If that second description sounds like you, I have a few gentle words for you in the middle of the episode.
Then we get practical. I walk through what it looks like to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt, to get curious instead of critical, and to look in the mirror before you react.
What we cover
00:00 Welcome and the topic
01:49 The subtext running underneath our conversations
02:36 My story from early in our marriage
04:52 The punchline: a decision
05:46 Pride, blind spots, and Jeremiah 17:9
07:33 Criticism, condescension, correction, confrontation
08:38 Two ways we cope: control and escape
09:54 "Isn't this enabling bad behavior?"
15:34 Outsourcing the problem
17:12 The counterintuitive good news
17:36 When a marriage can't or shouldn't be saved
20:08 What this looks like in practice
21:30 Getting curious
23:56 Looking in the mirror
27:37 When you need to pause the conversation
28:36 Hope
Three questions to carry with you this week
Why might this make sense for them, based on what I know of what feels important to them?
Why am I reacting the way I am? What was I hoping for, and have I ever named it?
What is my contribution to this dynamic?
Mentioned in this episode
Episode 18: The Five Situations a Couples Therapist Can't Really Help
Jeremiah 17:9
An upcoming episode on what to do when you find yourself fantasizing about someone else
I'm rooting for you every step of the way.
Rachel
This episode is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for individualized counseling or therapy. If you are experiencing violence, threats, or coercive control, please reach out to a qualified professional or local resources for support.